Let it out, then let it go
We all have pain. Everyone. No one is excluded. It’s important not to hold your pain inside. Let it go! Release all your past pain and trauma back into the universe, so you stop holding it inside, and begin the healing process.
Below is a sample of a format you can use to release past pain. This is what I used to heal my past pain. Getting this all out helped me tremendously. Once I finally got the nerve to just say it, and really say all I needed to say without worrying about what others think, breakthroughs happened. Major shifts occurred. I felt so much better. It was a HUGE release. I hope it helps you, too!
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IMPORTANT: This is my pain story and the process I used to release it. This is not intended for everyone. I hope that it finds those who benefit from reading it.
MY PAIN STORY
My pain began in childhood. I was taught to play small from the start. My gifts were silenced. I was held in limited negative thinking. And I know many of us share a childhood pain story. That’s typically when it happens! So I am sending love and healing to all the parents out there. We do our best! This is not intended to create negative vibes.
Although there was a time when I did, I no longer blame my parents. I realize now it was never their fault. They did their best with the resources and knowledge they had back then, and there were valuable lessons for me.
I remember growing up and hearing comments from my Father when someone would compliment me. Often, people would make comments about my appearance. He would say, “Well, she’s just Michelle to us.”
When I was awarded “Most Improved Piano Player” at a recital, my Father joked with everyone that earlier in the day, I was carrying a snake in each hand. I remember silently hoping for the proud Dad comment, but it never came. They laughed at me.
When I was with my Mom and I received a compliment, she would get angry with the person. She would say things like “What are you looking at?” or some other derogatory remark that made it uncomfortable. I remember growing up around a lot of anger, when it felt unnecessary. When I attempted to do things to make my parents proud, it felt unnoticed and unimportant.
As time went by, and my brother moved further along into his success as a tennis pro, I moved further along in my success as a failure. I fell deep into feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth.
I remember my brother talking with his friends about me, not realizing I was listening. He commented on my feminine physicality. And it hurt me at a core level. He was 6 years older and a big influence. It hurt. Bad. The day I finally mentioned it to my parents, they brushed it off, and we went on with life as if nothing happened. But I was crushed on the inside. I became anorexic for some time. It broke my confidence a lot. His opinion mattered when I was at that age.
Next, I remember more devastating words coming from my husband during our marriage. We’ve been divorced now for 10 years. The amount of affection my husband showed me during our marriage was the same amount my parents showed me growing up. Less than zero.
Unhealed. Unnoticed. Unseen.
I remember feeling pain when I spent time with my husband’s family during our marriage. His parents said those 3 simple words that families say … “I love you”. And it shocked me. I wasn’t used to that kind of family dynamic. His Dad would say it all the time. His Mom and Step-Mom, too. After every phone call. Every dinner. All the time. I was so envious. Because my parents were 2500 miles away and still never said it.
I don’t remember the 3 words coming up when I was a child. I honestly don’t. I don’t remember the hugs or kisses on the cheek, or pats on the back, or the “way to go!” I don’t remember those moments when my parents told me they love me. Or I made them proud. I don’t remember them showing me affection, or hugging me, or kissing me. I remember getting praised for my grades and the jobs I held. But there wasn’t that other kind of love. Ever. To this day.
I’m sorry Mom and Dad. That’s my truth. I forgive you and I love you both very much. I know you did your best!
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POST SOBRIETY
After pain from my childhood, and a 20-year marriage that drove those same childhood wounds so deep into my soul, I was almost buried in the ground from the impact. A narcissistic husband and non-affectionate parents led me straight into the arms of extreme unconfidence.
So I decided to take the bull by the horns. And fight back! F*ck this! It’s not fair. I deserve justice for all they have done to me.
And we all know what comes next. No surprise! Drum roll. Mic drop.
I became an alcoholic.
At the time, it felt like the only way to stay on the hamster wheel of life as a single Mom. It felt like the only way to support my precious girls and to keep food on the table. Somehow, I rationalized it as the best way to numb the pain of my ex-husband abandoning his children and fleeing to Thailand to escape child support, and the pain of feeling like a failure in my parents’ eyes, drove me to the drink. Or at least that was my story and my excuse back then.
How I feel now about this story and my excuse? Dumb decision. Dumb story. So dumb! Not my wisest move. Not my first time making unwise moves. But it was my top-ranked unwise move. I was headed down that dark path. And I was moving fast! Here I come, rock bottom! Looking back, I know this is the point where I should have asked for help, but I kept going. I was wrong!
And if that were not enough pain in the mix, I decided to put myself through a new 10-year, even more abusive relationship filled with harsher pain, harsher disappointment, and harsher abuse. It was a third experience of having that childhood wound sliced open with an even larger knife. No band-aids around. No Neosporin in the medicine cabinet. Just open flesh, scar tissue, blood, sweat, tears, and even more excruciating pain.
Yay me!
Miraculously, on August 5, 2023, I broke through the addition and chaos. I quit drinking. For real and for good. I was done. It was completely removed from my system overnight. Seriously! It happened that fast! No cravings. Just done. I prayed deeper than I’ve ever prayed before, with true authenticity. And I went through a 48-hour intensive treatment program, followed by a 10-week program that trained me to continue my sobriety. And I started focusing on spirituality, emotional intelligence, and energy healing work. And I’ve continued this practice daily. It’s been my new addiction. Alcohol will no longer be in my life, fortunately. And abusive men will also not be in my life, miraculously.
My new path is still unraveling. I continue to develop my spirituality and emotional intelligence while working to launch an online business.
I forgave all the men (and women) who caused me pain in the past, because they don’t know. And I transmuted the pain and made it into something beautiful that I will now use to build a fortune for my children. So that when I pass, they are ALWAYS supported in their journey.
Never give up on yourself! Never settle for less than you deserve. And know your self-worth! You are a miracle.
To all the men (and women) who have caused me pain in my life, I forgive you!
PROCEED WITH CAUTION >
The following is where it gets dark. It gets real. I say all I need to say to heal and let it all go. I am doing this for my girls, so I can continue being there for them as long as possible. If you don’t like what I am about to say, I’m sure there is another website for you to visit.
The intention is to release this pain and let it go back into the universe. Get ready! The new Michelle version 4.0 is in bloom!
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LETTING GO OF MY DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL PAIN STORY | GOODBYE PAIN
I remember my Mom yelling at me on my wedding day. I was in tears and so confused. I wasn’t expecting it. She was upset because of the order she fell in getting her hair done. She was expecting to go first. I made a big mistake in her eyes.
I remember my Mom calling me a slut and telling my Dad when she found my birth control.
I remember my Mom yelling at me a lot, into adulthood. She never supported my move to Cali.
I remember my Dad yelling at me when he was still drinking. I was a teenager. He doesn’t yell anymore, but we don’t have a close relationship. It’s ok though.
I remember Adam calling me a white trash whore. Crazy. Drunk. Never going to succeed in my career. I need help. Something is wrong with me. My girls think I am the problem. He even tried to turn my girls against me. Tried to paint me as the type of girl who sleeps around. Paints me as leaving him for another man. I’ve never left him for another. I don’t want another. I don’t want a relationship right now. I want to start a company, heal, and focus on my family. Without the conflict he creates for me in my life. He is NOT healthy for me. That’s why I left.. I can’t do my work at his home. I can’t do anything I want to do at his home. Low frequency chaos that holds me back from my dreams and generating income for MY girls.
I remember Scott physically kicking me out of the home at 2am undressed, locking the door. Shoving me out the door and locking it. Not letting me back in. Because a man at the bar told him he treats me like sh*t, and he found the argument my fault.
I remember Scott making fun of my spirituality. For me, Spirituality is becoming the highest version of myself. It’s not religion. But in his eyes, I was crazy.
I remember Scott pounding on the front door calling me a bitch, at 2am after being at the bar. Hanna had a basketball game that day at the gym directly next to the bar. A few steps away. He chose the bar. So I chose not to allow him back into my home. Hanna was crying. It was the middle of the night. He continued yelling horrible words at me, while trying to break the front door open. He couldn’t get in, so he emptied 10 trash bags filled with grass inside our family car. The same car I used to get his kids to sporting events and school.
I never let him back into my life or my home. Hanna called the cops that night. She was so traumatized. He was arrested. No apology to her or me. Fled to Thailand. Abandoned his children and continues to create pain for them to heal to this day. But they are strong. They will heal in time. He is the child in their story. And they are the adults teaching him the lessons. Hopefully, I am no longer the child in their story, too. Or in time, I won’t be (if I still am). I will let them be the judge! And I now make it my life mission and purpose to have them see me in this new light of me being the parent, not them! Funny how life works.Maybe the lesson for Scott is never offer your ex-wife your web domain? Because I’m not afraid to say it how it is. You can run to Thailand and Vietnam. But you’ll still hear my words. Karma.
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I remember more trauma than I care to, but am no longer playing the violin. And I will remove this section at some point so I do not cause anyone pain. That is not my intention. It’s helped me heal at a deeper level. I have forgiven everyone. Scott and Adam will never be in my life again. I forgive them, from a distance, and wish them well in their life journey.
My intention with this website is to help others heal, too. Everyone has pain. Regardless of how small or big your pain is, the healing process is the same. I’m sharing a tiny sample of the healing process that worked for me. I hope it helps! Stay tuned for more.
